mommy's drawers!! *giggle*
Training your Human 101
1. CHAIRS AND RUGS:
** If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, find the most expensive rug or piece of furniture.
** Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and scratch loudly. Meowing works too. Once door is opened, it is considered bad form to go through it.
** After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. this is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, etc.
The same rules apply to any window.
** Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Immediately Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "tuna" on your breath or paws fresh out of the litterbox. If you are clever enough find that human's bag/purse and leave them a present. ;)
** For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric colour which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats should go to black or dark clothing.
** For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply sharp claws to clothing or a quick bite on the ankle or leg works too.
** When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here." When your human is not looking run back to the table and steal as much food as you can.
** Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
** If one of your humans is busy and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", but is known to humans as hampering.
** The rules for hampering:
A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled/fed.
B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a newspaper or magazine, claw at it until shredded. Your human will appreciate a home-made toy!
C. When your human is on their computer make sure to bite their fingers as they type. They really enjoy that when working. Typing along is also good help. Just slap your paws on the keys just like my icon shows. Standing in front of the monitor keeps them from working too.
Remember felines, the aim is to hamper work. Humans need all the "help" they can get from us.
** Play is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for playing catch the mouse or the indy 500 on their bed between 2 AM and 4 AM. Kitty boxing and shoving your opponent into your human wakes them up pretty good.
MOST IMPORTANT: Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to understand our basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. Good luck!!!
- Current Mood: devious